Procrastinating...

Procrastinating is something I'm very good at.  I've been putting off an update in here because I've been trying to get my thoughts in order.  I have a lot going on.

First off, I want to talk about my counseling sessions.  My therapist is GREAT.  Her name is Susan and she is an absolute joy.  She's very real and engaging.  She doesn't just sit there and go "How does that make you feel?"... very interactive and very helpful.  She's also a certified acupuncturist, and at my last appointment, she taped these little radish seeds to the backs of my ears!  Apparently they're in a good spot for acupressure... The point that controls anxiety and enables clear thought.  It's only cleared the fog a little, though.

We have talked about quite a few things in the... 4 times I've seen her?  I had to go in twice this week, because we had a lot to deal with.  I have a lot of different emotions going in a lot of different directions and she's trying to help me get them all sorted out.  It's proving to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated... and she's also forcing me to be really honest with myself, which is really really hard.  I don't necessarily recommend it... I probably should, but I don't really like it, so you probably won't either.

I've had a hard week.  I'm ready to put it behind me and start over next week.  I decided this week that I want to go to college and finally grow up and make something of myself.  Then I found out that my previous student loan from 12 years ago still has a balance on it and that it's in default.  They won't give me any financial aid until that balance is paid off, and that's not going to happen anytime soon.  It's a really big disappointment to me... my previous screw-ups are coming back to haunt me... they never seem to leave.  I feel like life is just throwing it all back in my face as if to say "Well, you screwed it up once, what makes you think that you'll come out of it okay this time?"  I'm trying to stand up to life, but it's another one of those really hard things I don't like.  Finding a way to overcome is overwhelming sometimes.

Susan wants me to block off time during the week to think about my problems and what I'm going to do.  She says I can't just constantly think about it, or I will drive myself crazy... and I told her I'm halfway there!  Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to admit myself to a program where people would take care of me, and they'd let me do crafts all day...  but I get too overwhelmed by the reality of my situation, which is I need to work and make money and follow through with my other commitments.  Once that's done, though, I guess I can go check myself in somewhere... We'll see.  Only if they let me blog ;)

I guess that's all for now.  Needed to unload some of this stuff and also log it here for future reference.

Stay Classy, San Diego.