What do you get when you pair trust issues with your anxiety? You get paranoia & panic. For me, I get obsessed with what people might be saying about me when I'm not around. I get very withdrawn and very angry- internalizing it all. For example, I often worry about what coworkers may or may not be saying about me. Are they having a negative conversation with me as the central topic? Sometimes I can't even enjoy my days off because I just sit around and worry incessantly about what other people are saying about me. Maybe it's true and I should worry about it, or maybe it's not true and I should just chill the hell out, but the thoughts absolutely eat me alive. This has proven to be a very stressful way to go about living my life.
This tells me a few things.
* The world needs nicer people
* I need to stop surrounding myself with busybodies or people I feel I can't trust
* More Meds!
I'm only partially joking. Seriously, though, that's my biggest mental barnacle. Can't trust anyone! Add general anxiety and a dash of OCD and that is a recipe for conspiracy-theory-level paranoia...
And what THAT tells me is that my biggest trust issue is with myself. If I can't trust that I'm the person I'm supposed to be, what else do I have left? I try really hard, on the daily, to be the nice, cheerful, supportive kind of person I'm "supposed" to be. What I'm really doing is over-compensating for my introvert qualities and the fact that I am actually very socially awkward.
I'm totally feeling like Eeyore, guys. I don't want to drag you down, but it's just sort of ho-hum for me lately.
Keep it secret, keep it safe.
J
This is a blog chronicling my anxiety and depression. Sharing my feelings, experiences, and medication protocols is important to me. Perhaps someday this blog can help others that have felt the way I feel.
How long have you been dealing with this?
ReplyDeleteIt is so weird to read this because it is like I'm reading my own posts.
Please don't shy away from me. I can always be an understand ear (or shoulder) if you need it.
It's been a long while :) It's good to know other people know how I feel... I hope that through working these things out, other people can work theirs out too.
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