Espérer

To hope.

My heart lies heavily in my chest this evening.  I have been trying to let go of all the things I wrote about last night.  I had classes today, which was a welcome distraction, but I am feeling a little under the weather.  I took some hair clients when I got home, and after chatting all afternoon, I'm experiencing some mild laryngitis.  For a singer, this is devastating.  All I do almost every day is sing.  At school, at rehearsal, even at work or at home... always singing.  I have to take a singing test tomorrow and I am not sure it is going to happen.

I also got some pretty heavy news regarding a family member.  He is very sick and I'm not really sure what's going to happen.  He will be receiving treatments, but he will have to drastically change his lifestyle, and this will certainly cost him his job.  I'm less worried about how this is going to affect me, and more concerned about how it will affect other members of my family.  I just don't know how to properly cope with something like this.  I'm tired of losing grandparents.  I don't have that many left... so all I have is hope.

Life is overwhelming.

To hope.

Too Long Has Passed, Too Little Has Changed.

Greetings, friends.  It has been entirely too long.  I feel as though I have lived a whole lifetime since my last post, but there are reasons for my absence.  The greatest if these reasons is that for nearly two years, I have been living unmedicated for my conditions.  The world has been a swirling mass of confusion and reckless emotion.  It takes everything I have every single day to process, compartmentalize, and decompress.  I hardly have a moments' peace to try to put words to all those feelings.  It's hard enough to chew up the emotion and anxiety and swallow it without having to try to explain it to the world.

For the most part, I do quite well.  It's like riding a bike- your legs are shaky at first, but eventually it all comes back to you.  The coping mechanisms, finding someone to confide in who can help you navigate when to walk away and deal... finding like-minded people who aren't annoyed when you have to bail because you can't bring yourself to leave the goddamn house.  You know, because sometimes you just can't leave the house.  Sometimes, a sunny blue sky feels like it adds 15 pounds to each shoulder.  You can't even find joy in the rain.

In the almost two years since I last posted here, good things have happened to me.  I feel like I owe it to my two readers to admit that.  I have had moments of excitement and joy.  Outweighing those moments, however, has been wave after wave of frustration, pain, malcontent, paralyzing anxiety, and hollow, dark depression.  I owe it to you to admit that, as well. There have been times where I could barely lift my head.  It felt too heavy, and the things I was seeing were too much to bear.  If I kept my head buried in the sand, it was just easier.  Or, i thought it was...

It wasn't.  Hiding is never an appropriate or effective coping mechanism.  I have to keep telling myself this, because lately hiding has been my go-to.  I distract myself with projects, school, trying to help friends that seem like they might need me...

I am desperate for that kind of love in my life where I feel secure... where I can just be open and free and honest with all these insane things that make up so much of me... but lie hidden from the world, minute by minute.  I feel most people don't have the time to love me like that... it's time-consuming and emotionally draining to make yourself so spiritually available to someone who needs so much.  And whenever someone comes forward with statements like this, they often get inundated with messages of "why don't you call/text/message/carrier pigeon me?  I'm always here for you!"... before that happens, I beg you to please consider all of the responsibility that comes with that.  You will hear sad stories that make you worry, that make you wonder if you shouldn't have me thrown in a facility somewhere... it's hard to mentally equip oneself for the kind of burden I am.

I have been trying desperately to open up to people, but I often get the vibe that I'm over-sharing or making people uncomfortable with my awkward approach.  Or I find someone I even more desperately want to connect with, so as to have a kindred spirit in this world, but I hold back because I am not good enough, cool enough, I'm too damaged for their life.

The damage in my subconscious has already been done, and the fire feels like it's a slow spread, like magma rivers... burning its way down the hillside to infiltrate and destroy everything that's good, green, safe.

Do not feel pity for me, because this is just the way I was put together.  Do feel hope for me that I can get my head above the water.  I suppress so much that my dreams are exhaustingly vivid and distracting, but I got all my medications renewed today.  That's why I'm back here... to start the journey fresh and see if my once-revered meds can get me back to healthy, or to see if this is just my burden to bear in life.  It will be an interesting journey... please join me, if you'd like.  A little support goes a long long way with me.

On a personal note...

I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I had originally intended.  I feel bad.  The whole point was to keep up with it, so that other people might benefit from my experience... but let me tell you.  When every day just seems exhausting, it's really hard to sit down, write about it, and re-live it all.

Also, there seems to be a lot of negative action going on in my personal life.  I think we need at least half of our roof replaced, I still haven't redone my bathroom, we have to sell our SUV, the mister's back still isn't completely healed and he's still not working, my job isn't as fruitful for me as it could be, and I'm just beat.  All of this stuff is very stressful and it weighs on me constantly.  I try hard not to turn this into a personal blog about ALL my crap, but in the interest of keeping it real, I just have a lot of BS happening.

I'm a little whiny.  I took some time off this week and originally had something specific planned for the weekend, but... that fell through.  I was also planning my big 30th birthday party for later in the summer, but now that mister isn't working and we just have my money and disability payments, looks like that probably isn't going to happen, either.  So poor me, lol.

Anyway, I'm going to try very very hard to wade through my crap and make sure I'm posting like I should be.  I really do care about helping others, and I need to make it more of a priority.

Trust Issues and Anxiety

What do you get when you pair trust issues with your anxiety?  You get paranoia & panic.  For me, I get obsessed with what people might be saying about me when I'm not around.  I get very withdrawn and very angry- internalizing it all.  For example, I often worry about what coworkers may or may not be saying about me.  Are they having a negative conversation with me as the central topic?  Sometimes I can't even enjoy my days off because I just sit around and worry incessantly about what other people are saying about me.  Maybe it's true and I should worry about it, or maybe it's not true and I should just chill the hell out, but the thoughts absolutely eat me alive.  This has proven to be a very stressful way to go about living my life.

This tells me a few things.
* The world needs nicer people
* I need to stop surrounding myself with busybodies or people I feel I can't trust
* More Meds!

I'm only partially joking.  Seriously, though, that's my biggest mental barnacle.  Can't trust anyone!  Add general anxiety and a dash of OCD and that is a recipe for conspiracy-theory-level paranoia...

And what THAT tells me is that my biggest trust issue is with myself.  If I can't trust that I'm the person I'm supposed to be, what else do I have left?  I try really hard, on the daily, to be the nice, cheerful, supportive kind of person I'm "supposed" to be.  What I'm really doing is over-compensating for my introvert qualities and the fact that I am actually very socially awkward.

I'm totally feeling like Eeyore, guys.  I don't want to drag you down, but it's just sort of ho-hum for me lately.

Keep it secret, keep it safe.
J

Bad Situations and Recommended Reading

Hey.  I don't have a lot to say.  I have been dealing with my own emotional and mental health, which has taken up a lot of my time and energy... I should be blogging about it, but I will provide a re-cap once my brain has stabilized itself a little bit.

In the meantime, this is an interesting post by a friend regarding how you see yourself, aka your self-value.  I think I could stand to read this daily, and make it part of my mission statement as a human being.  I have a very big issue with my self-worth.  I have a hard time figuring out exactly what I mean to myself and to the world.  This is something I've been going over with my therapist... who am I, what am I, where am I going?  It's difficult, but Mike offers an interesting perspective.

Enjoy.

May the meds be ever in your favor,
J

Slackers' Guilt!

I'm experiencing Slackers' Guilt.  I haven't posted in a while, and there's good reason.  On top of being CRAZZZZY busy in my real life, I also have been getting into some pretty intense stuff at my therapy sessions.  It's all a lot for me to process on my own, let alone share with you.  I have a couple days off, so I'm hoping that I can get a "real update" in here soon...

In the meantime, if you have questions or suggestions for blog topics, I have set up an email account for this blog.  You can email me at thesquarestpeg@gmail.com.  I am also able to respond to your needs individually that way.  Please don't hesitate to email me if you feel you need my assistance.

Procrastinating...

Procrastinating is something I'm very good at.  I've been putting off an update in here because I've been trying to get my thoughts in order.  I have a lot going on.

First off, I want to talk about my counseling sessions.  My therapist is GREAT.  Her name is Susan and she is an absolute joy.  She's very real and engaging.  She doesn't just sit there and go "How does that make you feel?"... very interactive and very helpful.  She's also a certified acupuncturist, and at my last appointment, she taped these little radish seeds to the backs of my ears!  Apparently they're in a good spot for acupressure... The point that controls anxiety and enables clear thought.  It's only cleared the fog a little, though.

We have talked about quite a few things in the... 4 times I've seen her?  I had to go in twice this week, because we had a lot to deal with.  I have a lot of different emotions going in a lot of different directions and she's trying to help me get them all sorted out.  It's proving to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated... and she's also forcing me to be really honest with myself, which is really really hard.  I don't necessarily recommend it... I probably should, but I don't really like it, so you probably won't either.

I've had a hard week.  I'm ready to put it behind me and start over next week.  I decided this week that I want to go to college and finally grow up and make something of myself.  Then I found out that my previous student loan from 12 years ago still has a balance on it and that it's in default.  They won't give me any financial aid until that balance is paid off, and that's not going to happen anytime soon.  It's a really big disappointment to me... my previous screw-ups are coming back to haunt me... they never seem to leave.  I feel like life is just throwing it all back in my face as if to say "Well, you screwed it up once, what makes you think that you'll come out of it okay this time?"  I'm trying to stand up to life, but it's another one of those really hard things I don't like.  Finding a way to overcome is overwhelming sometimes.

Susan wants me to block off time during the week to think about my problems and what I'm going to do.  She says I can't just constantly think about it, or I will drive myself crazy... and I told her I'm halfway there!  Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to admit myself to a program where people would take care of me, and they'd let me do crafts all day...  but I get too overwhelmed by the reality of my situation, which is I need to work and make money and follow through with my other commitments.  Once that's done, though, I guess I can go check myself in somewhere... We'll see.  Only if they let me blog ;)

I guess that's all for now.  Needed to unload some of this stuff and also log it here for future reference.

Stay Classy, San Diego.

So many thoughts, so little patience for typing...

Oooookay.  *tries to mentally organize all the intended topics*

I had my first counseling session this past week.  My counselor is uh-may-zing.  I think I'm going to bring an interesting challenge to her, being that I know what I want to work on already.  It's going to be a good time.  An hour didn't feel long enough, especially for the first time.  She's out of town this week at a conference, so I have to wait a whole week longer to see her again.  C'mon lady, I got some brain stuff I gotta get out!  I kid.  Partially.

My friend and I got to see Garfunkel and Oates last night!  NSFWOK (not safe for work or kids)  We were the ultimate dorky super-fans, and we made shirts that look like the ones they wear in their "29/31" video.  Kate Micucci (LOVE) spotted us right away since we were in the 2nd row, then at the end of the show they did "29/31" to close the show and PULLED US UP ON STAGE.  I was on cloud 9 the whole rest of the night, I could barely even sleep!  The sad thing about happiness, endorphins, and adrenaline is that eventually it wears off... and when your brain chemicals are all out of whack to begin with, the crash of all those other things can be really detrimental.

Combine the adrenaline/endorphin crash today with the message at church this morning, plus rainy crappy weather and junk food... and you have the perfect recipe for sitting around feeling super sorry for yourself.  Being that I'm already good at that, it was kind of like old news.

I find now that my meds are adjusted and keeping me on track (provided I remember to take them!  Sheesh!!! How could I forget?!), I'm focusing less on the fact that I feel anxious, stressed out, and depressed and focusing more on the actual emotions I'm experiencing.  I haven't felt real feelings in so many years that I'm sort of unsure how to deal with it.  I didn't even know I wasn't really feeling things until now.  I'll sit here and still feel overwhelmed; once I assess the situation, I realize that it's not a panic/anxiety attack... it's real feelings showing through.  Now I'm just dealing with making mental notes of what I feel/when I feel it/what is the impetus for the feeling?

What really bothers me about all these new feels?  Inconsistency.  I have feelings here, and not over here where I maybe should be having them.  Why?  I don't know.  Hopefully that's something that AC (Angel Counselor!) can help me with.  All I know is that I, with AC's help, will dictate how I feel and when I feel it... it's not up to anyone else to suggest where all my emotions belong... even with the best intentions.

One feeling I've been majorly struggling with is disappointment.  Like, disappointing others, disappointing myself, etc.  That's a familiar one, though, cuz that's the only emotion the anxiety will let slip through the cracks.  I've found I'm just another messed up chick living in a messed up world, trying to make the most of all of this MESS.  It's really hard, but now I have resources and people to lean on.

I will be picking up "The Five Love Languages" soon.  Been meaning to read it and never have.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Keep Calm and Get A Therapist.

Hello, old friend.

All right.  I'm currently in the middle of a medium-sized anxiety attack.  It has been brought on by... basically no real trigger.  I think my weekend has just been too full of stuff, and it's finally catching up to me.  Before I get up and take medication for it, I wanted to blog in the middle of this so I can accurately describe what's going on.

Physically:  I'm freezing.  I'm under two blankets, still in street clothes, socks on, computer on my lap generating heat... yet it feels like there's ice water in the veins in my arms.  My chest is quite tight through the sternum area, making breathing very uncomfortable.  My vision is slightly blurred (yes, my glasses are clean).  At the same time, I want to both jump out of my skin and never move a muscle again.

Mentally:  Thoughts are swirling as to why this is happening.  What triggered this?  What can I do to prevent it?  How is this going to effect the rest of my night?  What sort of mood will this put me in later?  Lots of questions.  Many will go unanswered.

I think the stress of life is what brought this about.  Sometimes it just catches up to me, despite my best efforts to keep it at bay.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately, and it's all starting to add up.  Work troubles, life troubles, home troubles, money troubles... all the usual troubles people have.

I miss the old days, before I was a real grown up, when I could just pick and choose to do/say/see/be whatever I felt like.  When you reach a certain point in your life, though, you have to just... pack up the crap and figure out who you are, and what you're doing.

Now, I miss things like... being understood and being heard.  People are so quick to TELL ME how I feel, or what I should think... and that's never been ok by me.  Why am I letting people do it now?  Because it's easier than arguing.  I value companionship too much to stand up for myself.  I feel like I just regressed to when I was thirteen and let people walk all over me and take advantage of my loyalty.

I can't go into too much detail, but my heart has been completely shattered in recent weeks... by a number of different people.  My chest feels hollow and my soul is crying out for help.  I feel like my heart has actually stopped beating, yet I live.  To live without passion is to live without purpose... for to do things without passion is to merely go through the motions.  I'm tired of going through the motions.  I'm tired of staying quiet and meek out of fear.  Fear of abandonment, fear of change, fear of the unknown.  I don't like to live life with a lot of variables, and there are far too many in my life at the present moment.  I'm working on giving it to God, but I also lack some of the patience required when dealing with theology.

ALL of these things are contributing to my anxiety.  The depression is still better, thanks to the Wellbutrin, but the anxiety is going to be a daily battle... with or without medication.  On that front, I have my very first counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I will be sure to write about it after I have processed everything and have had time to put coherent thoughts together.

Have a wonderful start to your week.  Do something to kick the week off on the right foot.  Drink lots of water.  Take a B-complex vitamin.  Stay healthy.

Emotions and coping

Lately, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.  It could be a number of things, but mostly, I have been feeling sort of empty.  I have decided to pursue a path toward religion.  Now... it's not for everyone, and I'm by no means trying to get anyone to join me against their will... but it is important for you to have an outlet so you have something to escape to in order to cope.  Throwing myself into studying and learning about the Christian religion will hopefully distract me from a lot of the hard emotions that keep me wound up.

Whether you choose rock climbing, playing music, painting, hiking... any of that... it's good to have something that's so interesting to you that you can just immerse yourself in it and shut out the world for an hour or two.

On this journey, however, I'm finding a lot of different emotions... covering me like a lead blanket.  Weighing heavily on my chest, dying to get out.  If I verbalize how I feel, though, I'm worried about hurting people, or people hurting me.  So while I'm working through that, you should go find something to do.  Find something that will keep your anxiety levels down, and something that you enjoy.

Good luck :)

In which I make awkward conversation.

Whoo.  Early blog from me today.  Probably because my brain is keeping me from EVER getting the proper amount of sleep.  I know, I know... I have a pill for that!  But sometimes I don't want to take the sleep aid if I don't really have to, because it's just another pill I have to take.  All day, every day, pills pills pills.  I know they're helping me, but it's one more thing I have to try and remember... and we all know I'm a little rusty in the short-term memory department.

Today I'm touching on the subject of being unable to make appropriate conversation with people when I need to convey my emotions.  I have so many feelings swirling through my head and heart at any given time.  I live my life in feels.  I have a feeling about everything.  I can give advice to my friends, and listen to their hearts' feelings, but when it comes to expressing myself, I really struggle.

Is it a fear of rejection?  Most definitely.  Is it a fear of misunderstanding?  Absolutely.  Is it an inability to properly say what I want to say with the best words possible?  You bet.  I feel as though I'm constantly sticking my foot in my mouth, or making people uncomfortable with the things I say... but when I'm just expressing how I feel, is it a bad thing?

I've been struggling with many different emotions lately.  They're putting me on a rollercoaster of joy, despair, indifference, depression... and many tears for many different reasons.

Mostly I keep my true feelings to myself for fear of abandonment.  It seems like every time I open my heart and then open my mouth, I get left behind.  Basically I'm afraid of being honest because I don't want to be alone.  I keep a lot of things to myself, and I KNOW that has a great impact on my anxiety and depression.  After much thought, I have decided to keep taking the pills, and keep my thoughts to myself.  It's the safest way to be around the people that make me happy.

Until next time...

Adding on...

Quick update:  my Lexapro was working fine... and then I started getting more stressed out.  Losing sleep, having feelings of deep despair, projecting negatively on my own life.  I went to my doctor and started telling him about all of this and he added Wellbutrin to my medication lineup.  He also said I could take ZzzQuil if I'm having trouble sleeping.

I'm already starting to feel better, and the ZzzQuil is nice.  I've only had to use it once so far, but it didn't leave me groggy and I didn't sleep forever.  I recommend it.

I'm also taking a pill called Metformin, which is to help battle a medical condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  The Metformin is a medication also known as Glucophage, made to help balance insulin resistance.  This could explain a lot of things, such as my rapid weight gain a few years ago, the struggle to lose that weight, and other various things (i.e. mood swings).  The only downside is that I have to follow a very specific diet (sort of like a diabetic), otherwise my meds will just be fighting what I'm eating and not helping me.  It's expensive and kinda boring, but I'm hoping for good results!

I've been busy busy lately.  Between work, a theatre project, and getting ready for the Mr. to have back surgery, things have been a little nuts.  We also have a part time roommate now, so it makes our house much more active and lively... which is actually a good thing.

Until then :)

In which I idolize, promote, and show how "normal" a well-known actor can be...

One of my absolute favorite people of all time is Wil Wheaton.  I can't say that I'm a lifelong fan, as Stand By Me was a little too content-heavy for me (according to my parents) until I was into my teens.  I can say that had I been born just a few years earlier, I'm sure he would have been part of my pop-culture fascinations.

Over the last couple years, Wil started to pop up in more and more things I enjoy.  I find him funny, quirky, and I totally get his sense of humor.  I respect him for only making the career choices that would positively effect his life, even if that meant being behind the screen of a computer for some time.  Just when I thought he couldn't get any cooler, I found out we have something in common that's maybe... not so cool.

Wil Wheaton suffers from Depression & Anxiety.  Way to bring me back to reality.  He is like me, and brave enough to say so.

In this post that Wil shared on his blog, he says:

I remember the first week after I started meds, Anne and I were out for a walk. I felt her hand in mine, and realized that I didn't have any lingering tension or unhappiness just buzzing around in my skull. I was just enjoying a walk with my wife, and holding her hand. 

And I began to cry, because I was so happy. 

“It’s like I was in a loud room for so long, I didn't know how loud it was,” I said, “and all I have now is the ringing in my ears.” 

She squeezed my hand and I said, “I’m going to remember that ringing in my ears, so I never go back into that room again.”

When I read this post, I began to cry, because I know what he means.  There was so much noise in my head before.  Not voices, or sounds, but... noise.

(In that same blog post, Wil quotes Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess.  She is also an awesome someone, and also deserves our love and attention.  Check her out too.  In my imaginary world, she and I are BFF.)


Bottom line... Seeing someone that is so public write exactly how you feel... it's really something... something that I hold on to tightly.  Knowing that people I admire, like Wil and Jenny, are able to admit their feelings and seek medical treatment makes my own medical advocacy both easier and more important to me.

A prisoner in my own skin...

Beyond anxiety and depression (henceforth referred to as "a&d"), I suffer from some other medical conditions, related to my reproductive system.  All of these things band together and work against me like some sort of brick wall of sadness and self-doubt.  I try very hard not to let it include self-pity, but I'll admit it- I have those days, as I'm sure you do too.

I'm only mentioning this because it's caused a physical change in me.  The onset of my hormonal issues has caused a significant physical change.  Before I got medicated again, I was going to the gym, drinking lots of water... but it was almost manic.  It was another coping mechanism, and if I had continued like that, I'm not sure what would have happened.  I avoided scales, because I obsess over numbers... I avoided a calorie counter on my phone because I obsess over numbers.  I was so unhealthy in my mind that the work I was doing for my body wasn't very healthy either.

I'm not used to this body.  I've had it for 3 years now, and I'm still not used to it.  I don't shop, I don't enjoy trying on clothes, and I feel mostly uncomfortable in my own skin.  I used to know what was cute and what looked good on me... I used to be able to share clothes with people... it used to be able to find me costumes for theatrical productions.  Now I only wear one style of one particular brand of jeans, and most often you can find me in hooded sweatshirts, or anything looser that will hide my figure.  I feel like I'm 13 again, trying to hide my blossoming body... but looking back, I'd take that over this any day.

I know that all these things are connected.  Since I started my meds, I haven't been to the gym.  I feel horrible about it, but somehow not guilty enough to get off my ass and go.  The payments automatically come out of my account, so I really should keep going, but I just can't find the motivation.  I've even had friends offer to work out with me, but I always make excuses.  It's just one excuse after another to avoid doing the things I have to.

I finally approached my doctor about my hormonal issues, and we are in the process of testing that.  I'm convinced once I can get that in check, things will start to get easier...

But feeling like a different person trapped in a fat person's body starts to wear on a person after a while.  It's mentally exhausting.

Emotional Sponge

I find that with my anxiety, I tend to re-focus myself on the people around me.  Off-setting my own thoughts to thinking about others gives me a sense of purpose, and makes me feel like I can focus on things other than my own problems.  The only downside to this is that I tend to be an emotional sponge.  I take the feelings of those I care about and I put them on myself.  There are days where I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't change a single thing about helping my friends and family through their lives, and I'm really glad that they come to me for help... but I need to learn to let things go.  I need to do what I can to help people, and then let it all go- rather than hanging onto it and piling it all on top of my own problems.

My sleep schedule is all screwed up lately.  I'm hoping to do an "emotional dump" pretty soon, and maybe I'll get back onto a regularly scheduled life... Maybe.

When Life Beats Your Meds

Today is a blog from a personal perspective.

Today, life is beating my meds.  I felt overwhelmed immediately this morning, so I included a Xanax in my morning medicine routine (Lexapro & Zyrtec).  I sat around for most of the afternoon, watching Netflix.  I got up and got ready to go to work, everything was fine.  I showered, did my hair, and moisturized my face. My husband dropped me off at work and I settled in for the evening.  About my third client into the day, I cut my finger.  It didn't feel bad, but it was bleeding quite a bit.  I threw a bandage on it and finished my client.  I went to change the bandage after the client checked out, but all of a sudden I felt extremely emotional and overwhelmed.  I had the biggest urge to start crying.  "I'm sick of cutting myself all the time!" I exclaimed to a coworker... it's part of the job, I know, but it still sucks.  I took another Xanax (I'm allowed three per day), and tried to calm down... but I can't get the feeling to go away.  That particular client and the following one did not leave me any gratuity and that really gets to me too.  Am I not performing at top capacity because of how I feel?  Am I shutting down too much?  It's times like these I have to try and turn off my mind and find something else to do.  I'll probably do some online window shopping, not that it will make me feel a whole lot better.  I guess I could take care of some business emails, but that always ramps up my anxiety, too.

This is a blog-in-the-moment.  I didn't sit down and think about a topic and outline what I was going to cover... I'm flying by the seat of my overly-anxious pants, here.

Stay strong, breathe, and reach out to someone if you need to.  I'm going to try like hell to take my own advice today.

Until next time...

Myers-Briggs Personality Type

Today's topic is the Myers-Briggs Personality Type evaluation.  You might look into this and be surprised at how things turn out.  I did my evaluation at http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html, but you can check out this page for some detailed info: MBTI Personality Types from myersbriggs.org

I am an INFJ personality type, based on a recent type evaluation I took.

Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision.

Now... a few people I know, in real life, thought I'd be more of an ENFJ... the "I" meaning "Introvert" and the "E" meaning "Extrovert"

Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in everyone, want to help others fulfill their potential. May act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership.

Where that gets confusing is that I tend to be an extrovert among peers I'm comfortable with.  I have a great need for "alone time".

I think it's true to say that everyone exhibits a fair amount of varying traits from all personality types at any given moment... but deep down at heart I'm an INFJ.

What is your personality type?  How do you think that effects your day-to-day life?  How do you think this helps or hurts your anxiety issues?

Being your own advocate!

The number one -MOST- important thing when seeking help for your anxiety/depression is being your own advocate.  You have to see a few different doctors before finding the one that truly fits you.  This is extremely important to your treatment.

The first doctor I sought simply watched me cry in a cold exam room and put me on Prozac (Fluoxetine).  I took it, and it seemed to help some, but over time it really stopped doing anything for me.  I went off of it, eventually, and went back to trying to deal with everything by myself.

The doctor I'm seeing now is very involved in the effectiveness of my current medication, and always encourages me to tell him if something needs to change.  I went to a doctor's office where they do a "meet and greet" with your chosen physician before your initial appointment.  I really loved that, so always ask the office you're approaching if they do something like that.  If they don't usually do something like that, request it.  It's worth asking.

If you are married or in a relationship, it is a good idea to bring your significant other with you to your first appointment.  If you are unattached, but you have someone you spend a lot of time with, they might be a good option to bring along.  The reason for this is that they may observe things in you that you may not even notice.  I took my husband to my appointment, and he pointed out that he doesn't even take me to the grocery store.  He had observed so many things about me that I found insignificant, but really gave my doctor insight into exactly what was going on with me.  Without that extra information, I may be taking medication that doesn't suit my needs.

BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE.  Stand up for yourself, seek the treatment you deserve, and find someone to put in your support system.

Coping vs. Self-medicating

There is a difference between coping and self-medicating.  Coping is any number of tricks or behaviors you come up with you help you mellow through a rough time.  Self-medicating is doing any number of things to distract you from the rough times, and often leads to poor decision making.

(ETA:  Come up with coping mechanisms that help YOU... on your OWN.  If you start Googling, you'll come up with something like THIS bullshit article I found.  None of that is helpful or recommended... exposure therapy should ALWAYS be monitored by a health professional.)

I've done my fair share of self-medicating, but I have turned to coping in the last few years.  My self-medication started in my teens, when I began the traumatizing habit of self-injury (aka self-mutilation, self-harm, "cutting").  When I was overwhelmed or depressed, this is what I turned to.  As I got older and had more freedom in life, living away from home, it turned into drugs and alcohol.  Every once in a blue moon, I'd smoke marijuana with a friend or two, and let the subsequent giggles take me away from everything else for a while... sometimes I'd even take a prescription pain-killer, if they were available... but the real problem was the drinking.

I surely never thought of myself as an alcoholic, and I still don't... but I'm sure there were many people that thought that of me.  Maybe they were right... I don't really know.  I do know that when the choice came to pay my rent, or go to the bar- I went to the bar.  I spent with no regard to my future obligations.  When I needed supplemental rent money, because I hadn't saved enough, I turned to my parents.  They were in no position to be doling out money to me, but I also know they wanted to see me succeed in living on my own.  Was it enabling?  Maybe.  Did my mom consider calling the show "Intervention"?  Probably, hahaha... and I wouldn't have blamed her.  I was reckless in my early to mid-20's.  Reckless and drunk and barely getting by.  My fridge was always empty of essential things; I remember eating mini sweet pickles for dinner a few times.  This was because I spent all my money drinking and none on groceries or anything.  I shopped at dollar stores for the basics... soap, shampoo, toilet paper, laundry detergent.  Sometimes, I'd run to my parents house for things like that if I really couldn't afford them.  I never really looked back and found the true cause of this behavior until a few years ago.

I drank when I was anxious, nervous, stressed out, or depressed.  It washed it all away, and lowered my inhibitions enough that I had a lot of fun.  Granted, I always had to go back to "real life" the next day, but it kept me safe until then.

I was a self-injurer for nearly 10 years.  Of all the "addictions" I've had, cutting was probably the hardest to give up.  I could do it anywhere, anytime... Obviously, I could never drink at work, but if something was particularly upsetting me, I could sneak away to the bathroom and relieve some of the stress by cutting.  It wasn't always cutting... sometimes it was superficial scraping, or puncturing the skin... but the pain took away the anxiety.  I could feel the rush of it leaving me, like an adrenaline crash.  My limbs would suddenly lose their tension and could feel the blood flow through my veins again.

I grew up in an era where "emo" and "goth" were starting to become a thing.  A lot of people ran around touting "cutters" as merely seeking attention.  I cannot, and will not, believe that this is the standard.  I did my best to hide my secret from people... I didn't go around bragging about it, or showing my wounds.  After a while, it became such a habit that I didn't care if people saw it or not.  In fact, one night, I did it right in front of someone.  It upset them and they held me and cried, but I was so numb to everything around me that it didn't matter.

I never cut to scar, I only cut to feel.  I actually tried not to scar myself, but sometimes, it doesn't really work like that.  I have a few scars to this day, 15 years after I first started, and it's always a reminder.  Eventually, I'm sure they will get covered by a tattoo, but I will make sure they are covered with something to remind me that I can cope with the mental stress without hurting my physical self.  The covering with be symbolic and beautiful.  I can't change what I've done, and I cannot pretend like it never happened, so I will celebrate the person it has turned me into, and celebrate the ways it's made me see my life now.

How do I cope now?  Well, now I have Xanax to help me through those rough moments that appear out of nowhere.  Before the Xanax, I would step away from the situation and just go take some moments by myself.  Go outside and get fresh air, go in the bathroom and take some deep cleansing breaths, go out to the car and listen to some calming music... I'm an anxious fidgeter, so I shake my leg a lot... doesn't seem to help, but it is a pretty good indicator that I have to get up and change what I'm doing, or take a pill or something.

Breathing is a good way to help deal with things.  Learning what breathing patterns are the best for you is something you have to figure out on your own.  Look up videos on YouTube of yoga breathing, or even Lamaze breathing.  Sometimes regulating the amount of oxygen to your brain and opening up all your little lung capillaries can make a huge difference in how you cope with your stress and anxiety.


Most of all, remember that there is a pretty fine line between anxiety/depression and suicidal thoughts.  I never cut myself in order to end my life, and it was never my intention, but I do remember moments where I thought it would be easier if my life were to end.  If you are having ANY thoughts of suicide, be them momentary or serious, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. The call is free and discreet.  The staff is trained to best assist you in overcoming these difficult times.  Do not hesitate to call, even if your issue seems small to you... it might be bigger than you think.

Anxiety as a child

Today, I'm addressing the issue of anxiety as a child.  I know I've had it my whole life, but it's manifested in many different ways.  Later, I'll be discussing self-medication in my twenties, but today, we go back a little further.

On the cusp of 2013, 8.5 short months away from my 30th birthday, I think back to my childhood.  I will never stand up and say that my parents were horrible and neglectful of us (my sister and myself), but I will say that life surely prevented them from giving us everything we ever wanted.  They worked hard- long hours and rough schedules.  This often made for a very stressful environment at home.  When we were all under one roof together, the tension sometimes grew; as children, we wanted to be loud and playful, but the adults wanted to rest.  This resulted in arguments, yelling, and threats.  After a time, I started the habit of avoidance.  I did everything in my power to avoid conflict and confrontation.  I withdrew and began to entertain myself, rather than playing with my sister.  I would sit in my room for hours at a time, tending to my Barbies, reading books, playing with jewelry, or watching TV.  Sometimes, in nicer weather, I'd go play outside by myself... repeatedly hitting a tennis ball against the house, kicking a soccer ball against the house, riding my bike in a continuous path on the street in front of my house.  When things got far too overwhelming, I hid in an evergreen tree at the edge of our front yard.  The low branches allowed me to climb up the tree some distance and sit there until I felt calm enough to go inside.

There was the occasion where I wouldn't be able to escape the madness.  Too much loud noise, too much background noise... increases my anxiety levels and makes me start to panic.  Frequently, this would lead to outbursts on my part.  I never felt proud of these instances, but I didn't know what else to do other than yell back, or cry and scream.  Sometimes things would escalate and I would just open my mouth and shriek, hoping it would distract from the issue at hand.

I love my parents.  I love my parents for raising me through the latter half of the 80's and through the 90's, when things like anxiety, learning disabilities, and autism weren't often thought of.  Back when people didn't realize that children could have anxiety problems like adults.  I don't think I need to be on Ritalin or Adderall, and I don't think I needed to be on either one then.  My problem does not lie in paying attention, it lies in people keeping my attention.  If a situation is too overwhelming, I check out.  I go to a place in my head that is safe and quiet, drowning out the noise.  I did this as a child, and I do it now.

I was sometimes accused of not paying attention, due to the fact that I would doodle or write my name repeatedly while someone was speaking or trying to teach me something.  The fact is doodling or writing helps me retain.  Now, as an adult, when I am trying to memorize lines for a play, I will write my lines repeatedly in order to help me retain the information.  It has helped me so much with my memory problems.

So for all those hours I spent jumping on the trampoline alone, or rollerskating in my basement with my imaginary friends, or the time I spent just listening to my favorite songs over and over again... I started learning at a very early age to adapt to my surroundings and try to manage my anxiety the best I could.  I didn't know what it was, and I couldn't describe the feeling I had, but I found ways to try and control it.

**If you are a parent, and you suspect your child has anxiety problems, try your hardest to talk to them about it.  Nobody ever addressed my feelings with me, and I feel like things could have been a little easier if they had.**