Sunday, February 17, 2013

Emotions and coping

Lately, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.  It could be a number of things, but mostly, I have been feeling sort of empty.  I have decided to pursue a path toward religion.  Now... it's not for everyone, and I'm by no means trying to get anyone to join me against their will... but it is important for you to have an outlet so you have something to escape to in order to cope.  Throwing myself into studying and learning about the Christian religion will hopefully distract me from a lot of the hard emotions that keep me wound up.

Whether you choose rock climbing, playing music, painting, hiking... any of that... it's good to have something that's so interesting to you that you can just immerse yourself in it and shut out the world for an hour or two.

On this journey, however, I'm finding a lot of different emotions... covering me like a lead blanket.  Weighing heavily on my chest, dying to get out.  If I verbalize how I feel, though, I'm worried about hurting people, or people hurting me.  So while I'm working through that, you should go find something to do.  Find something that will keep your anxiety levels down, and something that you enjoy.

Good luck :)

Thursday, February 14, 2013

In which I make awkward conversation.

Whoo.  Early blog from me today.  Probably because my brain is keeping me from EVER getting the proper amount of sleep.  I know, I know... I have a pill for that!  But sometimes I don't want to take the sleep aid if I don't really have to, because it's just another pill I have to take.  All day, every day, pills pills pills.  I know they're helping me, but it's one more thing I have to try and remember... and we all know I'm a little rusty in the short-term memory department.

Today I'm touching on the subject of being unable to make appropriate conversation with people when I need to convey my emotions.  I have so many feelings swirling through my head and heart at any given time.  I live my life in feels.  I have a feeling about everything.  I can give advice to my friends, and listen to their hearts' feelings, but when it comes to expressing myself, I really struggle.

Is it a fear of rejection?  Most definitely.  Is it a fear of misunderstanding?  Absolutely.  Is it an inability to properly say what I want to say with the best words possible?  You bet.  I feel as though I'm constantly sticking my foot in my mouth, or making people uncomfortable with the things I say... but when I'm just expressing how I feel, is it a bad thing?

I've been struggling with many different emotions lately.  They're putting me on a rollercoaster of joy, despair, indifference, depression... and many tears for many different reasons.

Mostly I keep my true feelings to myself for fear of abandonment.  It seems like every time I open my heart and then open my mouth, I get left behind.  Basically I'm afraid of being honest because I don't want to be alone.  I keep a lot of things to myself, and I KNOW that has a great impact on my anxiety and depression.  After much thought, I have decided to keep taking the pills, and keep my thoughts to myself.  It's the safest way to be around the people that make me happy.

Until next time...

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Adding on...

Quick update:  my Lexapro was working fine... and then I started getting more stressed out.  Losing sleep, having feelings of deep despair, projecting negatively on my own life.  I went to my doctor and started telling him about all of this and he added Wellbutrin to my medication lineup.  He also said I could take ZzzQuil if I'm having trouble sleeping.

I'm already starting to feel better, and the ZzzQuil is nice.  I've only had to use it once so far, but it didn't leave me groggy and I didn't sleep forever.  I recommend it.

I'm also taking a pill called Metformin, which is to help battle a medical condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  The Metformin is a medication also known as Glucophage, made to help balance insulin resistance.  This could explain a lot of things, such as my rapid weight gain a few years ago, the struggle to lose that weight, and other various things (i.e. mood swings).  The only downside is that I have to follow a very specific diet (sort of like a diabetic), otherwise my meds will just be fighting what I'm eating and not helping me.  It's expensive and kinda boring, but I'm hoping for good results!

I've been busy busy lately.  Between work, a theatre project, and getting ready for the Mr. to have back surgery, things have been a little nuts.  We also have a part time roommate now, so it makes our house much more active and lively... which is actually a good thing.

Until then :)