Thursday, February 14, 2013

In which I make awkward conversation.

Whoo.  Early blog from me today.  Probably because my brain is keeping me from EVER getting the proper amount of sleep.  I know, I know... I have a pill for that!  But sometimes I don't want to take the sleep aid if I don't really have to, because it's just another pill I have to take.  All day, every day, pills pills pills.  I know they're helping me, but it's one more thing I have to try and remember... and we all know I'm a little rusty in the short-term memory department.

Today I'm touching on the subject of being unable to make appropriate conversation with people when I need to convey my emotions.  I have so many feelings swirling through my head and heart at any given time.  I live my life in feels.  I have a feeling about everything.  I can give advice to my friends, and listen to their hearts' feelings, but when it comes to expressing myself, I really struggle.

Is it a fear of rejection?  Most definitely.  Is it a fear of misunderstanding?  Absolutely.  Is it an inability to properly say what I want to say with the best words possible?  You bet.  I feel as though I'm constantly sticking my foot in my mouth, or making people uncomfortable with the things I say... but when I'm just expressing how I feel, is it a bad thing?

I've been struggling with many different emotions lately.  They're putting me on a rollercoaster of joy, despair, indifference, depression... and many tears for many different reasons.

Mostly I keep my true feelings to myself for fear of abandonment.  It seems like every time I open my heart and then open my mouth, I get left behind.  Basically I'm afraid of being honest because I don't want to be alone.  I keep a lot of things to myself, and I KNOW that has a great impact on my anxiety and depression.  After much thought, I have decided to keep taking the pills, and keep my thoughts to myself.  It's the safest way to be around the people that make me happy.

Until next time...

1 comment:

  1. I understand this fear, and I've been fighting it my whole life. There are times to know when to say something for your or someone else's own good, and a time to keep it to yourself. When you are ready, just remember two things: when you feel the urge to say something and it is strong, definitely do it. There are always respectful and diplomatic ways to say anything. If they don't go across well, then that is all on the other person and you DON'T need to feel guilty or afraid. Sometimes people come and go in your life, that doesn't mean you will be alone. Second, I realize that right now you need to be silent, but I urge you to not do it for too long. Only do it when you're ready, but make sure you are always taking small steps forward. Believe me (and I'm sure you already know) keeping things inside makes you fester, and hinders your progress. It is like acid eating you from the inside out.