Whoo. Early blog from me today. Probably because my brain is keeping me from EVER getting the proper amount of sleep. I know, I know... I have a pill for that! But sometimes I don't want to take the sleep aid if I don't really have to, because it's just another pill I have to take. All day, every day, pills pills pills. I know they're helping me, but it's one more thing I have to try and remember... and we all know I'm a little rusty in the short-term memory department.
Today I'm touching on the subject of being unable to make appropriate conversation with people when I need to convey my emotions. I have so many feelings swirling through my head and heart at any given time. I live my life in feels. I have a feeling about everything. I can give advice to my friends, and listen to their hearts' feelings, but when it comes to expressing myself, I really struggle.
Is it a fear of rejection? Most definitely. Is it a fear of misunderstanding? Absolutely. Is it an inability to properly say what I want to say with the best words possible? You bet. I feel as though I'm constantly sticking my foot in my mouth, or making people uncomfortable with the things I say... but when I'm just expressing how I feel, is it a bad thing?
I've been struggling with many different emotions lately. They're putting me on a rollercoaster of joy, despair, indifference, depression... and many tears for many different reasons.
Mostly I keep my true feelings to myself for fear of abandonment. It seems like every time I open my heart and then open my mouth, I get left behind. Basically I'm afraid of being honest because I don't want to be alone. I keep a lot of things to myself, and I KNOW that has a great impact on my anxiety and depression. After much thought, I have decided to keep taking the pills, and keep my thoughts to myself. It's the safest way to be around the people that make me happy.
Until next time...