On a personal note...

I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I had originally intended.  I feel bad.  The whole point was to keep up with it, so that other people might benefit from my experience... but let me tell you.  When every day just seems exhausting, it's really hard to sit down, write about it, and re-live it all.

Also, there seems to be a lot of negative action going on in my personal life.  I think we need at least half of our roof replaced, I still haven't redone my bathroom, we have to sell our SUV, the mister's back still isn't completely healed and he's still not working, my job isn't as fruitful for me as it could be, and I'm just beat.  All of this stuff is very stressful and it weighs on me constantly.  I try hard not to turn this into a personal blog about ALL my crap, but in the interest of keeping it real, I just have a lot of BS happening.

I'm a little whiny.  I took some time off this week and originally had something specific planned for the weekend, but... that fell through.  I was also planning my big 30th birthday party for later in the summer, but now that mister isn't working and we just have my money and disability payments, looks like that probably isn't going to happen, either.  So poor me, lol.

Anyway, I'm going to try very very hard to wade through my crap and make sure I'm posting like I should be.  I really do care about helping others, and I need to make it more of a priority.

Trust Issues and Anxiety

What do you get when you pair trust issues with your anxiety?  You get paranoia & panic.  For me, I get obsessed with what people might be saying about me when I'm not around.  I get very withdrawn and very angry- internalizing it all.  For example, I often worry about what coworkers may or may not be saying about me.  Are they having a negative conversation with me as the central topic?  Sometimes I can't even enjoy my days off because I just sit around and worry incessantly about what other people are saying about me.  Maybe it's true and I should worry about it, or maybe it's not true and I should just chill the hell out, but the thoughts absolutely eat me alive.  This has proven to be a very stressful way to go about living my life.

This tells me a few things.
* The world needs nicer people
* I need to stop surrounding myself with busybodies or people I feel I can't trust
* More Meds!

I'm only partially joking.  Seriously, though, that's my biggest mental barnacle.  Can't trust anyone!  Add general anxiety and a dash of OCD and that is a recipe for conspiracy-theory-level paranoia...

And what THAT tells me is that my biggest trust issue is with myself.  If I can't trust that I'm the person I'm supposed to be, what else do I have left?  I try really hard, on the daily, to be the nice, cheerful, supportive kind of person I'm "supposed" to be.  What I'm really doing is over-compensating for my introvert qualities and the fact that I am actually very socially awkward.

I'm totally feeling like Eeyore, guys.  I don't want to drag you down, but it's just sort of ho-hum for me lately.

Keep it secret, keep it safe.
J

Bad Situations and Recommended Reading

Hey.  I don't have a lot to say.  I have been dealing with my own emotional and mental health, which has taken up a lot of my time and energy... I should be blogging about it, but I will provide a re-cap once my brain has stabilized itself a little bit.

In the meantime, this is an interesting post by a friend regarding how you see yourself, aka your self-value.  I think I could stand to read this daily, and make it part of my mission statement as a human being.  I have a very big issue with my self-worth.  I have a hard time figuring out exactly what I mean to myself and to the world.  This is something I've been going over with my therapist... who am I, what am I, where am I going?  It's difficult, but Mike offers an interesting perspective.

Enjoy.

May the meds be ever in your favor,
J

Slackers' Guilt!

I'm experiencing Slackers' Guilt.  I haven't posted in a while, and there's good reason.  On top of being CRAZZZZY busy in my real life, I also have been getting into some pretty intense stuff at my therapy sessions.  It's all a lot for me to process on my own, let alone share with you.  I have a couple days off, so I'm hoping that I can get a "real update" in here soon...

In the meantime, if you have questions or suggestions for blog topics, I have set up an email account for this blog.  You can email me at thesquarestpeg@gmail.com.  I am also able to respond to your needs individually that way.  Please don't hesitate to email me if you feel you need my assistance.

Procrastinating...

Procrastinating is something I'm very good at.  I've been putting off an update in here because I've been trying to get my thoughts in order.  I have a lot going on.

First off, I want to talk about my counseling sessions.  My therapist is GREAT.  Her name is Susan and she is an absolute joy.  She's very real and engaging.  She doesn't just sit there and go "How does that make you feel?"... very interactive and very helpful.  She's also a certified acupuncturist, and at my last appointment, she taped these little radish seeds to the backs of my ears!  Apparently they're in a good spot for acupressure... The point that controls anxiety and enables clear thought.  It's only cleared the fog a little, though.

We have talked about quite a few things in the... 4 times I've seen her?  I had to go in twice this week, because we had a lot to deal with.  I have a lot of different emotions going in a lot of different directions and she's trying to help me get them all sorted out.  It's proving to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated... and she's also forcing me to be really honest with myself, which is really really hard.  I don't necessarily recommend it... I probably should, but I don't really like it, so you probably won't either.

I've had a hard week.  I'm ready to put it behind me and start over next week.  I decided this week that I want to go to college and finally grow up and make something of myself.  Then I found out that my previous student loan from 12 years ago still has a balance on it and that it's in default.  They won't give me any financial aid until that balance is paid off, and that's not going to happen anytime soon.  It's a really big disappointment to me... my previous screw-ups are coming back to haunt me... they never seem to leave.  I feel like life is just throwing it all back in my face as if to say "Well, you screwed it up once, what makes you think that you'll come out of it okay this time?"  I'm trying to stand up to life, but it's another one of those really hard things I don't like.  Finding a way to overcome is overwhelming sometimes.

Susan wants me to block off time during the week to think about my problems and what I'm going to do.  She says I can't just constantly think about it, or I will drive myself crazy... and I told her I'm halfway there!  Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to admit myself to a program where people would take care of me, and they'd let me do crafts all day...  but I get too overwhelmed by the reality of my situation, which is I need to work and make money and follow through with my other commitments.  Once that's done, though, I guess I can go check myself in somewhere... We'll see.  Only if they let me blog ;)

I guess that's all for now.  Needed to unload some of this stuff and also log it here for future reference.

Stay Classy, San Diego.

So many thoughts, so little patience for typing...

Oooookay.  *tries to mentally organize all the intended topics*

I had my first counseling session this past week.  My counselor is uh-may-zing.  I think I'm going to bring an interesting challenge to her, being that I know what I want to work on already.  It's going to be a good time.  An hour didn't feel long enough, especially for the first time.  She's out of town this week at a conference, so I have to wait a whole week longer to see her again.  C'mon lady, I got some brain stuff I gotta get out!  I kid.  Partially.

My friend and I got to see Garfunkel and Oates last night!  NSFWOK (not safe for work or kids)  We were the ultimate dorky super-fans, and we made shirts that look like the ones they wear in their "29/31" video.  Kate Micucci (LOVE) spotted us right away since we were in the 2nd row, then at the end of the show they did "29/31" to close the show and PULLED US UP ON STAGE.  I was on cloud 9 the whole rest of the night, I could barely even sleep!  The sad thing about happiness, endorphins, and adrenaline is that eventually it wears off... and when your brain chemicals are all out of whack to begin with, the crash of all those other things can be really detrimental.

Combine the adrenaline/endorphin crash today with the message at church this morning, plus rainy crappy weather and junk food... and you have the perfect recipe for sitting around feeling super sorry for yourself.  Being that I'm already good at that, it was kind of like old news.

I find now that my meds are adjusted and keeping me on track (provided I remember to take them!  Sheesh!!! How could I forget?!), I'm focusing less on the fact that I feel anxious, stressed out, and depressed and focusing more on the actual emotions I'm experiencing.  I haven't felt real feelings in so many years that I'm sort of unsure how to deal with it.  I didn't even know I wasn't really feeling things until now.  I'll sit here and still feel overwhelmed; once I assess the situation, I realize that it's not a panic/anxiety attack... it's real feelings showing through.  Now I'm just dealing with making mental notes of what I feel/when I feel it/what is the impetus for the feeling?

What really bothers me about all these new feels?  Inconsistency.  I have feelings here, and not over here where I maybe should be having them.  Why?  I don't know.  Hopefully that's something that AC (Angel Counselor!) can help me with.  All I know is that I, with AC's help, will dictate how I feel and when I feel it... it's not up to anyone else to suggest where all my emotions belong... even with the best intentions.

One feeling I've been majorly struggling with is disappointment.  Like, disappointing others, disappointing myself, etc.  That's a familiar one, though, cuz that's the only emotion the anxiety will let slip through the cracks.  I've found I'm just another messed up chick living in a messed up world, trying to make the most of all of this MESS.  It's really hard, but now I have resources and people to lean on.

I will be picking up "The Five Love Languages" soon.  Been meaning to read it and never have.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Keep Calm and Get A Therapist.

Hello, old friend.

All right.  I'm currently in the middle of a medium-sized anxiety attack.  It has been brought on by... basically no real trigger.  I think my weekend has just been too full of stuff, and it's finally catching up to me.  Before I get up and take medication for it, I wanted to blog in the middle of this so I can accurately describe what's going on.

Physically:  I'm freezing.  I'm under two blankets, still in street clothes, socks on, computer on my lap generating heat... yet it feels like there's ice water in the veins in my arms.  My chest is quite tight through the sternum area, making breathing very uncomfortable.  My vision is slightly blurred (yes, my glasses are clean).  At the same time, I want to both jump out of my skin and never move a muscle again.

Mentally:  Thoughts are swirling as to why this is happening.  What triggered this?  What can I do to prevent it?  How is this going to effect the rest of my night?  What sort of mood will this put me in later?  Lots of questions.  Many will go unanswered.

I think the stress of life is what brought this about.  Sometimes it just catches up to me, despite my best efforts to keep it at bay.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately, and it's all starting to add up.  Work troubles, life troubles, home troubles, money troubles... all the usual troubles people have.

I miss the old days, before I was a real grown up, when I could just pick and choose to do/say/see/be whatever I felt like.  When you reach a certain point in your life, though, you have to just... pack up the crap and figure out who you are, and what you're doing.

Now, I miss things like... being understood and being heard.  People are so quick to TELL ME how I feel, or what I should think... and that's never been ok by me.  Why am I letting people do it now?  Because it's easier than arguing.  I value companionship too much to stand up for myself.  I feel like I just regressed to when I was thirteen and let people walk all over me and take advantage of my loyalty.

I can't go into too much detail, but my heart has been completely shattered in recent weeks... by a number of different people.  My chest feels hollow and my soul is crying out for help.  I feel like my heart has actually stopped beating, yet I live.  To live without passion is to live without purpose... for to do things without passion is to merely go through the motions.  I'm tired of going through the motions.  I'm tired of staying quiet and meek out of fear.  Fear of abandonment, fear of change, fear of the unknown.  I don't like to live life with a lot of variables, and there are far too many in my life at the present moment.  I'm working on giving it to God, but I also lack some of the patience required when dealing with theology.

ALL of these things are contributing to my anxiety.  The depression is still better, thanks to the Wellbutrin, but the anxiety is going to be a daily battle... with or without medication.  On that front, I have my very first counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I will be sure to write about it after I have processed everything and have had time to put coherent thoughts together.

Have a wonderful start to your week.  Do something to kick the week off on the right foot.  Drink lots of water.  Take a B-complex vitamin.  Stay healthy.

Emotions and coping

Lately, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.  It could be a number of things, but mostly, I have been feeling sort of empty.  I have decided to pursue a path toward religion.  Now... it's not for everyone, and I'm by no means trying to get anyone to join me against their will... but it is important for you to have an outlet so you have something to escape to in order to cope.  Throwing myself into studying and learning about the Christian religion will hopefully distract me from a lot of the hard emotions that keep me wound up.

Whether you choose rock climbing, playing music, painting, hiking... any of that... it's good to have something that's so interesting to you that you can just immerse yourself in it and shut out the world for an hour or two.

On this journey, however, I'm finding a lot of different emotions... covering me like a lead blanket.  Weighing heavily on my chest, dying to get out.  If I verbalize how I feel, though, I'm worried about hurting people, or people hurting me.  So while I'm working through that, you should go find something to do.  Find something that will keep your anxiety levels down, and something that you enjoy.

Good luck :)

In which I make awkward conversation.

Whoo.  Early blog from me today.  Probably because my brain is keeping me from EVER getting the proper amount of sleep.  I know, I know... I have a pill for that!  But sometimes I don't want to take the sleep aid if I don't really have to, because it's just another pill I have to take.  All day, every day, pills pills pills.  I know they're helping me, but it's one more thing I have to try and remember... and we all know I'm a little rusty in the short-term memory department.

Today I'm touching on the subject of being unable to make appropriate conversation with people when I need to convey my emotions.  I have so many feelings swirling through my head and heart at any given time.  I live my life in feels.  I have a feeling about everything.  I can give advice to my friends, and listen to their hearts' feelings, but when it comes to expressing myself, I really struggle.

Is it a fear of rejection?  Most definitely.  Is it a fear of misunderstanding?  Absolutely.  Is it an inability to properly say what I want to say with the best words possible?  You bet.  I feel as though I'm constantly sticking my foot in my mouth, or making people uncomfortable with the things I say... but when I'm just expressing how I feel, is it a bad thing?

I've been struggling with many different emotions lately.  They're putting me on a rollercoaster of joy, despair, indifference, depression... and many tears for many different reasons.

Mostly I keep my true feelings to myself for fear of abandonment.  It seems like every time I open my heart and then open my mouth, I get left behind.  Basically I'm afraid of being honest because I don't want to be alone.  I keep a lot of things to myself, and I KNOW that has a great impact on my anxiety and depression.  After much thought, I have decided to keep taking the pills, and keep my thoughts to myself.  It's the safest way to be around the people that make me happy.

Until next time...

Adding on...

Quick update:  my Lexapro was working fine... and then I started getting more stressed out.  Losing sleep, having feelings of deep despair, projecting negatively on my own life.  I went to my doctor and started telling him about all of this and he added Wellbutrin to my medication lineup.  He also said I could take ZzzQuil if I'm having trouble sleeping.

I'm already starting to feel better, and the ZzzQuil is nice.  I've only had to use it once so far, but it didn't leave me groggy and I didn't sleep forever.  I recommend it.

I'm also taking a pill called Metformin, which is to help battle a medical condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  The Metformin is a medication also known as Glucophage, made to help balance insulin resistance.  This could explain a lot of things, such as my rapid weight gain a few years ago, the struggle to lose that weight, and other various things (i.e. mood swings).  The only downside is that I have to follow a very specific diet (sort of like a diabetic), otherwise my meds will just be fighting what I'm eating and not helping me.  It's expensive and kinda boring, but I'm hoping for good results!

I've been busy busy lately.  Between work, a theatre project, and getting ready for the Mr. to have back surgery, things have been a little nuts.  We also have a part time roommate now, so it makes our house much more active and lively... which is actually a good thing.

Until then :)

In which I idolize, promote, and show how "normal" a well-known actor can be...

One of my absolute favorite people of all time is Wil Wheaton.  I can't say that I'm a lifelong fan, as Stand By Me was a little too content-heavy for me (according to my parents) until I was into my teens.  I can say that had I been born just a few years earlier, I'm sure he would have been part of my pop-culture fascinations.

Over the last couple years, Wil started to pop up in more and more things I enjoy.  I find him funny, quirky, and I totally get his sense of humor.  I respect him for only making the career choices that would positively effect his life, even if that meant being behind the screen of a computer for some time.  Just when I thought he couldn't get any cooler, I found out we have something in common that's maybe... not so cool.

Wil Wheaton suffers from Depression & Anxiety.  Way to bring me back to reality.  He is like me, and brave enough to say so.

In this post that Wil shared on his blog, he says:

I remember the first week after I started meds, Anne and I were out for a walk. I felt her hand in mine, and realized that I didn't have any lingering tension or unhappiness just buzzing around in my skull. I was just enjoying a walk with my wife, and holding her hand. 

And I began to cry, because I was so happy. 

“It’s like I was in a loud room for so long, I didn't know how loud it was,” I said, “and all I have now is the ringing in my ears.” 

She squeezed my hand and I said, “I’m going to remember that ringing in my ears, so I never go back into that room again.”

When I read this post, I began to cry, because I know what he means.  There was so much noise in my head before.  Not voices, or sounds, but... noise.

(In that same blog post, Wil quotes Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess.  She is also an awesome someone, and also deserves our love and attention.  Check her out too.  In my imaginary world, she and I are BFF.)


Bottom line... Seeing someone that is so public write exactly how you feel... it's really something... something that I hold on to tightly.  Knowing that people I admire, like Wil and Jenny, are able to admit their feelings and seek medical treatment makes my own medical advocacy both easier and more important to me.

A prisoner in my own skin...

Beyond anxiety and depression (henceforth referred to as "a&d"), I suffer from some other medical conditions, related to my reproductive system.  All of these things band together and work against me like some sort of brick wall of sadness and self-doubt.  I try very hard not to let it include self-pity, but I'll admit it- I have those days, as I'm sure you do too.

I'm only mentioning this because it's caused a physical change in me.  The onset of my hormonal issues has caused a significant physical change.  Before I got medicated again, I was going to the gym, drinking lots of water... but it was almost manic.  It was another coping mechanism, and if I had continued like that, I'm not sure what would have happened.  I avoided scales, because I obsess over numbers... I avoided a calorie counter on my phone because I obsess over numbers.  I was so unhealthy in my mind that the work I was doing for my body wasn't very healthy either.

I'm not used to this body.  I've had it for 3 years now, and I'm still not used to it.  I don't shop, I don't enjoy trying on clothes, and I feel mostly uncomfortable in my own skin.  I used to know what was cute and what looked good on me... I used to be able to share clothes with people... it used to be able to find me costumes for theatrical productions.  Now I only wear one style of one particular brand of jeans, and most often you can find me in hooded sweatshirts, or anything looser that will hide my figure.  I feel like I'm 13 again, trying to hide my blossoming body... but looking back, I'd take that over this any day.

I know that all these things are connected.  Since I started my meds, I haven't been to the gym.  I feel horrible about it, but somehow not guilty enough to get off my ass and go.  The payments automatically come out of my account, so I really should keep going, but I just can't find the motivation.  I've even had friends offer to work out with me, but I always make excuses.  It's just one excuse after another to avoid doing the things I have to.

I finally approached my doctor about my hormonal issues, and we are in the process of testing that.  I'm convinced once I can get that in check, things will start to get easier...

But feeling like a different person trapped in a fat person's body starts to wear on a person after a while.  It's mentally exhausting.

Emotional Sponge

I find that with my anxiety, I tend to re-focus myself on the people around me.  Off-setting my own thoughts to thinking about others gives me a sense of purpose, and makes me feel like I can focus on things other than my own problems.  The only downside to this is that I tend to be an emotional sponge.  I take the feelings of those I care about and I put them on myself.  There are days where I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't change a single thing about helping my friends and family through their lives, and I'm really glad that they come to me for help... but I need to learn to let things go.  I need to do what I can to help people, and then let it all go- rather than hanging onto it and piling it all on top of my own problems.

My sleep schedule is all screwed up lately.  I'm hoping to do an "emotional dump" pretty soon, and maybe I'll get back onto a regularly scheduled life... Maybe.

When Life Beats Your Meds

Today is a blog from a personal perspective.

Today, life is beating my meds.  I felt overwhelmed immediately this morning, so I included a Xanax in my morning medicine routine (Lexapro & Zyrtec).  I sat around for most of the afternoon, watching Netflix.  I got up and got ready to go to work, everything was fine.  I showered, did my hair, and moisturized my face. My husband dropped me off at work and I settled in for the evening.  About my third client into the day, I cut my finger.  It didn't feel bad, but it was bleeding quite a bit.  I threw a bandage on it and finished my client.  I went to change the bandage after the client checked out, but all of a sudden I felt extremely emotional and overwhelmed.  I had the biggest urge to start crying.  "I'm sick of cutting myself all the time!" I exclaimed to a coworker... it's part of the job, I know, but it still sucks.  I took another Xanax (I'm allowed three per day), and tried to calm down... but I can't get the feeling to go away.  That particular client and the following one did not leave me any gratuity and that really gets to me too.  Am I not performing at top capacity because of how I feel?  Am I shutting down too much?  It's times like these I have to try and turn off my mind and find something else to do.  I'll probably do some online window shopping, not that it will make me feel a whole lot better.  I guess I could take care of some business emails, but that always ramps up my anxiety, too.

This is a blog-in-the-moment.  I didn't sit down and think about a topic and outline what I was going to cover... I'm flying by the seat of my overly-anxious pants, here.

Stay strong, breathe, and reach out to someone if you need to.  I'm going to try like hell to take my own advice today.

Until next time...