Procrastinating...

Procrastinating is something I'm very good at.  I've been putting off an update in here because I've been trying to get my thoughts in order.  I have a lot going on.

First off, I want to talk about my counseling sessions.  My therapist is GREAT.  Her name is Susan and she is an absolute joy.  She's very real and engaging.  She doesn't just sit there and go "How does that make you feel?"... very interactive and very helpful.  She's also a certified acupuncturist, and at my last appointment, she taped these little radish seeds to the backs of my ears!  Apparently they're in a good spot for acupressure... The point that controls anxiety and enables clear thought.  It's only cleared the fog a little, though.

We have talked about quite a few things in the... 4 times I've seen her?  I had to go in twice this week, because we had a lot to deal with.  I have a lot of different emotions going in a lot of different directions and she's trying to help me get them all sorted out.  It's proving to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated... and she's also forcing me to be really honest with myself, which is really really hard.  I don't necessarily recommend it... I probably should, but I don't really like it, so you probably won't either.

I've had a hard week.  I'm ready to put it behind me and start over next week.  I decided this week that I want to go to college and finally grow up and make something of myself.  Then I found out that my previous student loan from 12 years ago still has a balance on it and that it's in default.  They won't give me any financial aid until that balance is paid off, and that's not going to happen anytime soon.  It's a really big disappointment to me... my previous screw-ups are coming back to haunt me... they never seem to leave.  I feel like life is just throwing it all back in my face as if to say "Well, you screwed it up once, what makes you think that you'll come out of it okay this time?"  I'm trying to stand up to life, but it's another one of those really hard things I don't like.  Finding a way to overcome is overwhelming sometimes.

Susan wants me to block off time during the week to think about my problems and what I'm going to do.  She says I can't just constantly think about it, or I will drive myself crazy... and I told her I'm halfway there!  Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to admit myself to a program where people would take care of me, and they'd let me do crafts all day...  but I get too overwhelmed by the reality of my situation, which is I need to work and make money and follow through with my other commitments.  Once that's done, though, I guess I can go check myself in somewhere... We'll see.  Only if they let me blog ;)

I guess that's all for now.  Needed to unload some of this stuff and also log it here for future reference.

Stay Classy, San Diego.

So many thoughts, so little patience for typing...

Oooookay.  *tries to mentally organize all the intended topics*

I had my first counseling session this past week.  My counselor is uh-may-zing.  I think I'm going to bring an interesting challenge to her, being that I know what I want to work on already.  It's going to be a good time.  An hour didn't feel long enough, especially for the first time.  She's out of town this week at a conference, so I have to wait a whole week longer to see her again.  C'mon lady, I got some brain stuff I gotta get out!  I kid.  Partially.

My friend and I got to see Garfunkel and Oates last night!  NSFWOK (not safe for work or kids)  We were the ultimate dorky super-fans, and we made shirts that look like the ones they wear in their "29/31" video.  Kate Micucci (LOVE) spotted us right away since we were in the 2nd row, then at the end of the show they did "29/31" to close the show and PULLED US UP ON STAGE.  I was on cloud 9 the whole rest of the night, I could barely even sleep!  The sad thing about happiness, endorphins, and adrenaline is that eventually it wears off... and when your brain chemicals are all out of whack to begin with, the crash of all those other things can be really detrimental.

Combine the adrenaline/endorphin crash today with the message at church this morning, plus rainy crappy weather and junk food... and you have the perfect recipe for sitting around feeling super sorry for yourself.  Being that I'm already good at that, it was kind of like old news.

I find now that my meds are adjusted and keeping me on track (provided I remember to take them!  Sheesh!!! How could I forget?!), I'm focusing less on the fact that I feel anxious, stressed out, and depressed and focusing more on the actual emotions I'm experiencing.  I haven't felt real feelings in so many years that I'm sort of unsure how to deal with it.  I didn't even know I wasn't really feeling things until now.  I'll sit here and still feel overwhelmed; once I assess the situation, I realize that it's not a panic/anxiety attack... it's real feelings showing through.  Now I'm just dealing with making mental notes of what I feel/when I feel it/what is the impetus for the feeling?

What really bothers me about all these new feels?  Inconsistency.  I have feelings here, and not over here where I maybe should be having them.  Why?  I don't know.  Hopefully that's something that AC (Angel Counselor!) can help me with.  All I know is that I, with AC's help, will dictate how I feel and when I feel it... it's not up to anyone else to suggest where all my emotions belong... even with the best intentions.

One feeling I've been majorly struggling with is disappointment.  Like, disappointing others, disappointing myself, etc.  That's a familiar one, though, cuz that's the only emotion the anxiety will let slip through the cracks.  I've found I'm just another messed up chick living in a messed up world, trying to make the most of all of this MESS.  It's really hard, but now I have resources and people to lean on.

I will be picking up "The Five Love Languages" soon.  Been meaning to read it and never have.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Keep Calm and Get A Therapist.

Hello, old friend.

All right.  I'm currently in the middle of a medium-sized anxiety attack.  It has been brought on by... basically no real trigger.  I think my weekend has just been too full of stuff, and it's finally catching up to me.  Before I get up and take medication for it, I wanted to blog in the middle of this so I can accurately describe what's going on.

Physically:  I'm freezing.  I'm under two blankets, still in street clothes, socks on, computer on my lap generating heat... yet it feels like there's ice water in the veins in my arms.  My chest is quite tight through the sternum area, making breathing very uncomfortable.  My vision is slightly blurred (yes, my glasses are clean).  At the same time, I want to both jump out of my skin and never move a muscle again.

Mentally:  Thoughts are swirling as to why this is happening.  What triggered this?  What can I do to prevent it?  How is this going to effect the rest of my night?  What sort of mood will this put me in later?  Lots of questions.  Many will go unanswered.

I think the stress of life is what brought this about.  Sometimes it just catches up to me, despite my best efforts to keep it at bay.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately, and it's all starting to add up.  Work troubles, life troubles, home troubles, money troubles... all the usual troubles people have.

I miss the old days, before I was a real grown up, when I could just pick and choose to do/say/see/be whatever I felt like.  When you reach a certain point in your life, though, you have to just... pack up the crap and figure out who you are, and what you're doing.

Now, I miss things like... being understood and being heard.  People are so quick to TELL ME how I feel, or what I should think... and that's never been ok by me.  Why am I letting people do it now?  Because it's easier than arguing.  I value companionship too much to stand up for myself.  I feel like I just regressed to when I was thirteen and let people walk all over me and take advantage of my loyalty.

I can't go into too much detail, but my heart has been completely shattered in recent weeks... by a number of different people.  My chest feels hollow and my soul is crying out for help.  I feel like my heart has actually stopped beating, yet I live.  To live without passion is to live without purpose... for to do things without passion is to merely go through the motions.  I'm tired of going through the motions.  I'm tired of staying quiet and meek out of fear.  Fear of abandonment, fear of change, fear of the unknown.  I don't like to live life with a lot of variables, and there are far too many in my life at the present moment.  I'm working on giving it to God, but I also lack some of the patience required when dealing with theology.

ALL of these things are contributing to my anxiety.  The depression is still better, thanks to the Wellbutrin, but the anxiety is going to be a daily battle... with or without medication.  On that front, I have my very first counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I will be sure to write about it after I have processed everything and have had time to put coherent thoughts together.

Have a wonderful start to your week.  Do something to kick the week off on the right foot.  Drink lots of water.  Take a B-complex vitamin.  Stay healthy.