Sunday, March 3, 2013

Hello, old friend.

All right.  I'm currently in the middle of a medium-sized anxiety attack.  It has been brought on by... basically no real trigger.  I think my weekend has just been too full of stuff, and it's finally catching up to me.  Before I get up and take medication for it, I wanted to blog in the middle of this so I can accurately describe what's going on.

Physically:  I'm freezing.  I'm under two blankets, still in street clothes, socks on, computer on my lap generating heat... yet it feels like there's ice water in the veins in my arms.  My chest is quite tight through the sternum area, making breathing very uncomfortable.  My vision is slightly blurred (yes, my glasses are clean).  At the same time, I want to both jump out of my skin and never move a muscle again.

Mentally:  Thoughts are swirling as to why this is happening.  What triggered this?  What can I do to prevent it?  How is this going to effect the rest of my night?  What sort of mood will this put me in later?  Lots of questions.  Many will go unanswered.

I think the stress of life is what brought this about.  Sometimes it just catches up to me, despite my best efforts to keep it at bay.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately, and it's all starting to add up.  Work troubles, life troubles, home troubles, money troubles... all the usual troubles people have.

I miss the old days, before I was a real grown up, when I could just pick and choose to do/say/see/be whatever I felt like.  When you reach a certain point in your life, though, you have to just... pack up the crap and figure out who you are, and what you're doing.

Now, I miss things like... being understood and being heard.  People are so quick to TELL ME how I feel, or what I should think... and that's never been ok by me.  Why am I letting people do it now?  Because it's easier than arguing.  I value companionship too much to stand up for myself.  I feel like I just regressed to when I was thirteen and let people walk all over me and take advantage of my loyalty.

I can't go into too much detail, but my heart has been completely shattered in recent weeks... by a number of different people.  My chest feels hollow and my soul is crying out for help.  I feel like my heart has actually stopped beating, yet I live.  To live without passion is to live without purpose... for to do things without passion is to merely go through the motions.  I'm tired of going through the motions.  I'm tired of staying quiet and meek out of fear.  Fear of abandonment, fear of change, fear of the unknown.  I don't like to live life with a lot of variables, and there are far too many in my life at the present moment.  I'm working on giving it to God, but I also lack some of the patience required when dealing with theology.

ALL of these things are contributing to my anxiety.  The depression is still better, thanks to the Wellbutrin, but the anxiety is going to be a daily battle... with or without medication.  On that front, I have my very first counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I will be sure to write about it after I have processed everything and have had time to put coherent thoughts together.

Have a wonderful start to your week.  Do something to kick the week off on the right foot.  Drink lots of water.  Take a B-complex vitamin.  Stay healthy.

1 comment:

  1. You got a listening ear right here if ya need one! I hope you apt. Tuesday goes well...its nice to have someone on the "outside" look in (at least for me its nice).
    Praying for ya!