Monday, March 11, 2013

So many thoughts, so little patience for typing...

Oooookay.  *tries to mentally organize all the intended topics*

I had my first counseling session this past week.  My counselor is uh-may-zing.  I think I'm going to bring an interesting challenge to her, being that I know what I want to work on already.  It's going to be a good time.  An hour didn't feel long enough, especially for the first time.  She's out of town this week at a conference, so I have to wait a whole week longer to see her again.  C'mon lady, I got some brain stuff I gotta get out!  I kid.  Partially.

My friend and I got to see Garfunkel and Oates last night!  NSFWOK (not safe for work or kids)  We were the ultimate dorky super-fans, and we made shirts that look like the ones they wear in their "29/31" video.  Kate Micucci (LOVE) spotted us right away since we were in the 2nd row, then at the end of the show they did "29/31" to close the show and PULLED US UP ON STAGE.  I was on cloud 9 the whole rest of the night, I could barely even sleep!  The sad thing about happiness, endorphins, and adrenaline is that eventually it wears off... and when your brain chemicals are all out of whack to begin with, the crash of all those other things can be really detrimental.

Combine the adrenaline/endorphin crash today with the message at church this morning, plus rainy crappy weather and junk food... and you have the perfect recipe for sitting around feeling super sorry for yourself.  Being that I'm already good at that, it was kind of like old news.

I find now that my meds are adjusted and keeping me on track (provided I remember to take them!  Sheesh!!! How could I forget?!), I'm focusing less on the fact that I feel anxious, stressed out, and depressed and focusing more on the actual emotions I'm experiencing.  I haven't felt real feelings in so many years that I'm sort of unsure how to deal with it.  I didn't even know I wasn't really feeling things until now.  I'll sit here and still feel overwhelmed; once I assess the situation, I realize that it's not a panic/anxiety attack... it's real feelings showing through.  Now I'm just dealing with making mental notes of what I feel/when I feel it/what is the impetus for the feeling?

What really bothers me about all these new feels?  Inconsistency.  I have feelings here, and not over here where I maybe should be having them.  Why?  I don't know.  Hopefully that's something that AC (Angel Counselor!) can help me with.  All I know is that I, with AC's help, will dictate how I feel and when I feel it... it's not up to anyone else to suggest where all my emotions belong... even with the best intentions.

One feeling I've been majorly struggling with is disappointment.  Like, disappointing others, disappointing myself, etc.  That's a familiar one, though, cuz that's the only emotion the anxiety will let slip through the cracks.  I've found I'm just another messed up chick living in a messed up world, trying to make the most of all of this MESS.  It's really hard, but now I have resources and people to lean on.

I will be picking up "The Five Love Languages" soon.  Been meaning to read it and never have.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Keep Calm and Get A Therapist.

No comments:

Post a Comment