Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A prisoner in my own skin...

Beyond anxiety and depression (henceforth referred to as "a&d"), I suffer from some other medical conditions, related to my reproductive system.  All of these things band together and work against me like some sort of brick wall of sadness and self-doubt.  I try very hard not to let it include self-pity, but I'll admit it- I have those days, as I'm sure you do too.

I'm only mentioning this because it's caused a physical change in me.  The onset of my hormonal issues has caused a significant physical change.  Before I got medicated again, I was going to the gym, drinking lots of water... but it was almost manic.  It was another coping mechanism, and if I had continued like that, I'm not sure what would have happened.  I avoided scales, because I obsess over numbers... I avoided a calorie counter on my phone because I obsess over numbers.  I was so unhealthy in my mind that the work I was doing for my body wasn't very healthy either.

I'm not used to this body.  I've had it for 3 years now, and I'm still not used to it.  I don't shop, I don't enjoy trying on clothes, and I feel mostly uncomfortable in my own skin.  I used to know what was cute and what looked good on me... I used to be able to share clothes with people... it used to be able to find me costumes for theatrical productions.  Now I only wear one style of one particular brand of jeans, and most often you can find me in hooded sweatshirts, or anything looser that will hide my figure.  I feel like I'm 13 again, trying to hide my blossoming body... but looking back, I'd take that over this any day.

I know that all these things are connected.  Since I started my meds, I haven't been to the gym.  I feel horrible about it, but somehow not guilty enough to get off my ass and go.  The payments automatically come out of my account, so I really should keep going, but I just can't find the motivation.  I've even had friends offer to work out with me, but I always make excuses.  It's just one excuse after another to avoid doing the things I have to.

I finally approached my doctor about my hormonal issues, and we are in the process of testing that.  I'm convinced once I can get that in check, things will start to get easier...

But feeling like a different person trapped in a fat person's body starts to wear on a person after a while.  It's mentally exhausting.

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