Sunday, December 23, 2012

This Is Who I Am

I am awkward.
I make jokes that people don’t understand.
Most of the time, I feel alone… even when I’m with other people.
I’m only social in situations and places in which my mind feels “comfortable”.
I have extreme social anxiety when dealing with strangers.  I have a hard time saying “excuse me” in the store, or asking an employee for help.
I used to fear ordering at a drive-through window.
I am extremely intelligent in a very unconventional way.  I am not the kind of smart that can be tested with school examinations- exams and tests make me very uncomfortable and I cannot concentrate on the task at hand.
I remember things that nobody else would ever bother to commit to memory, but intentionally memorizing things is a drawn-out struggle for me.
I do not have stage fright if I am portraying someone else.  If I have to speak as myself, I can barely get through it.
Nobody truly understands me.

I talk to myself when I’m alone.  I talk to imaginary people when I’m alone.  Sometimes, they’re the only people to whom I’m truly comfortable expressing myself.
I am always worried that telling the truth about my feelings will make someone else upset, so I keep a lot of things locked up tight.
Sometimes, I cry for (seemingly) no reason… but the truth is there are many reasons why I cry.
My friends don’t understand.  They don’t see any of these traits.  They are people I’m comfortable with, and they are people I let into my life.  The more comfortable I am the easier socializing becomes.  If they’d pay attention, they’d see all these little things.  Some of them understand, and to them I say “thank you”.

I sort my M&Ms by color.  All color groups have to be even numbers.  They get eaten in pairs, by color, starting with green (my favorite).
When sitting in a restaurant booth, I have to be on whichever side puts the wall on my right side.
When sitting in a movie theatre, if the chair moves, I will rock in it nearly the entire movie.  I have to make a very conscious effort not to rock in my seat.
When I get to work, I have to take out, and plug in, my equipment in a specific order, otherwise I feel it the rest of the day.
Anytime I’m doing a task that I repeat on a relatively regular basis, it has to be done in the same way every time.

I don’t like smiling at strangers.
I don’t like the grocery store, or any busy shopping center.
I don’t like it when other people around me are anxious.
I don't like receiving gifts.
I don't like asking for help.
I am going to organize my DVD collection today so it’s in alphabetical order again.
I am very forgetful.
I know many things.
I’m always terrified that people don’t like me.
Pressure makes me happy.  That’s why I like blankets (at home), heavy sweatshirts, and scarves.
I suffer from a major case of buyer’s remorse.  Whenever I spend more than $30 on a total purchase, I get hives.

My Xanax just makes me tired enough that I stop caring, but I’m afraid that if I tell my doctor it will mean I’m crazy and there will be no alternative for me… so I take it.
I really and truly am concerned that nobody knows what this is like, and it’s scary to think that I really am all alone.

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